i need an iv and a liver transplant
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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