Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
