We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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