totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
