So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
