hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
