Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Did I show you my penis last night?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Randomize
