why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize