and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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