you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
