so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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