i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
