And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
