i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
