I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
