Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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