I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
