he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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