she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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