im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize