Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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