we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
