Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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