he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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