They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
