if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
