I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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