he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize