I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
