i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
