i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
