God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
