Will you blow on my dice?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
