it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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