he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
