AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
