i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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