She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
