Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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