The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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