So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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