I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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