i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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