just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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