Where did you get a picture of my penis
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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