Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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