the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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