I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
