I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
