Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
