im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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