my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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