Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
