U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
