I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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