it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
