all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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