So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
